My mind bleeds with contrasting and contradicting thoughts that emanate battling emotions. I'm scared and yet I'm at peace; I'm happy and yet I'm sad. There are only a few things that I am absolutely certain of and the rest are fear-based, futuristic questions. I think I'm scared because I don't have a set plan for my life right now but then I have a peaceful thought that says "you don't need one." Back in high school, I always knew what I was going to be doing the next year; now, there are so many things that I can be doing in a year from now. What I am certain of is this: I am leaving for BYU-I in two and a half weeks. I'm not exactly sure what's in store for me there, all I know is that I'm supposed to be there. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do as far as a career is concerned but I know what kind of person I want to be. I want to be happy and be at peace with myself and my life, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see, I want to learn more about people and cultures. I want to believe in all that I am and I want to help people by living authentically. I want to be the person that I was meant to be. These thoughts and desires bring peace to my mind and quiets all of my irrational fears. "Everything you are is seeking you, therefore everything you want is already yours. You don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." -Bob Proctor
I started to read The Book Thief again. The last time I read it was during my freshman year of high school, also known as the peak of my superficiality. At the time I understood the book as best as I could, but I was not able to fully appreciate its significance. Reading it again with more experienced eyes has been most interesting, my soul resonates with it now more than ever. Markus Zusak is an artist of words. Whatever our souls are made of, ours are the same. Despite how tired I get, my eyes and my mind are constantly hungering for more. It boggles my mind how I can fall in love with people and personalities that are only made real through words. Such as Liesel's infatuation with words and books, Hans Hubermann's "thereness", Rosa's abusive expression of love. All of it. My heart heaved during the paragraph that explains Hans Hubermann's "thereness." It made me reminisce the nightmares that I had as a kid and feeling like I was such a burden whenever I was being human. I may still be harboring some bitterness towards my past but I see it as the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm grateful for it and I honor it. I honor the little girl that I was. I was so human to react the way that I did and to be aware of that exponentially increases my acceptance of self.
I am who I am.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Next week is finals week and since I can't drive to Gold's anymore I decided to go running around Wyview.... at 11:30 at night. I put my shoes on and I was out the door in a matter of minutes. As I was running past the intersection, these two motor cyclers drove past me. I didn't think much of it and I kept up my usual pace. As I got closer to Burger Supreme I noticed that they had made a U turn and were driving past me again, then turned into the parking lot. My first thought was "Uh oh." I started to run a little faster but I didn't want to look conspicuous. Of course, whenever I try not to look conspicuous I look even more conspicuous. I had a feeling that I should go into Burger Supreme's foyer. I stood in there for a bit stretching my arms and checking my pulse. Two hispanic workers came and asked me if I was okay. I just told them that I was stretching. I'm sure they knew that something was going on because I can't hide any emotion. The two motor cyclers made another turn around and they were both parked in front of Burger Supreme's glass foyer. I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights; my heart was pounding and I felt uncomfortably vulnerable. One of the guys tried to open the door and thankfully the door was locked on that side. They immediately left but I still didn't move. When I was sure that they were gone, I ventured out, trusting my intuition. Not even 5 feet away from Burger Supreme, another car pulls up beside me. What is this, national rapist day? The driver's appearance didn't make me feel any more comfortable; he was definitely a testosterone-filled, hispanic with some burley tattoos. The guy asked me if the motor cyclers were following me, I told him I didn't know. I think he realized that he was scaring me so he let me go on my way. I noticed that another car pulled up beside him and it was a woman. I felt a little relieved since psychologically I esteem women to have good intentions. However, I didn't stick around long enough to find out if he was trying to help me; I sprinted all the way back to my apartment. I'm not sure what the motor cycler's intentions were. Maybe they were out for a midnight snack or maybe they were lost. Perhaps that guy who tried to open the door was my Grandma. Who knows. But what I do know is that I will never go running by myself at night ever again.