Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Curve ball

I know that I just blogged a couple of days ago, but I need to turn on the faucet of my heart. Up until last night I was doing fine. My life seemed like it was in order and I was incandescently happy; I unconditionally loved myself and I felt whole. Then there was a curve ball. A simple, penetrating reminder that I'm not as whole as I thought I was. I'm hesitant to write about the issue at hand because of who might read this, but are we not all human? I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I will give a brief summary. I haven't talked to my Dad since my high school graduation. Before graduation I was doing fine with my relationship with my Dad, I was finally able to accept him and give him space to be himself. I invited him to come to my graduation lunch with the rest of my family, little did I know that would not be very fun. I wanted to go to PF Changs for my graduation lunch, but my Dad hates Chinese food. Long story short, we ended up going to a restaurant that he wanted to go to. At first I was fine with this, but the lunch was awful. I don't know what got into me but I was angry. My Dad was talking the whole time about matters that I judged to be trivial. I judged him harshly and I know that he could feel my negative vibes. I'm the type of person that likes my space, I don't like to be talking with people all the time. I sometimes forget that some people are uncomfortable with sitting in silence, but in all honesty I don't mind it at all. I actually prefer it. My Dad does not understand that, he hardly knows me. I felt like he was pushing me into a corner, asking me questions when I was in the middle of eating. That is definitely one of my pet peeves. Anyway, after that I didn't want to have lunch with him for a long time. I also started school and got a job so my life had gotten pretty busy. During this semester I kind of forgot about him. I know that may sound horrible but I didn't give myself a whole lot of time to think about him. Spending time with my Dad is not something that I enjoy, so therefore, he's not one of my priorities. Last night I received an eight page letter from him and I haven't even started to read it. I don't want to. At first when I saw it I started to laugh, mocking at how desperate he is to connect with me. Then there was this twang. This reopening of old wounds that had been closed off by ignorance. Whoever said that ignorance is bliss knows what they are talking about; I had never been happier in my life. As my mom and I were driving in the car, all of my old perceptions of my Dad returned. It's kind of like I have two sides of me: the side that everyone knows and loves and then the other side that haunts and despairs my good side. I had my Mom read the letter first and she told me that it was basically him apologizing for not always being there for me as a kid. He felt that he had connected more with Jared than he did with me, which is true. I always felt like I was being compared to my super intellectual older brother that had a lot in common with my Dad. I wished so badly that I could connect with my Dad. But I'm so different. I'm the entertainer in my family, the one who is always making everyone laugh; no one in my family is like me. Even though my Mom and I are similar in thought patterns, we don't share passions of literature, writing, dance and performing. But how can I connect with my Dad when he doesn't even validate my own perspective on life and human nature? Why do I have to be the one to facilitate this healthier connection? I know that may be my own false perception of him, but this is how I feel.

I think right now I just want to be completely okay with myself, my Dad and my life. Every once in awhile I need to allow myself time to break down and fall apart. Only then do I realize what I need to focus on, but for right now I'm going to let myself be where I am until I know what to do. My life has been good but these times are needed for my own personal progression. It's human to have times of despair, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me. I know better. Do not pity me, instead, validate my feelings even though they are not the best feelings.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Let's be real

Throughout the weeks I have moments where I think of what I would like to write for this week's dialogue. My stream of thoughts always seem so elaborate and deep whenever I'm at work or walking back to my apartment, but sitting here with all of the necessary tools to making this happen I feel like a milk dud. All of the previous thoughts seem insignificant and unimportant as to what I want to write right now. So what do I want to write about? My developed philosophies. I have always believed in the power of awareness but I guess I wasn't fully aware of it's influence till now (I know that sounds funny but just go with me on this). It seems like in the past whenever I wanted something so desperately, I would eventually realize I had it all along as time passed. For instance when I was younger I was categorized as having a super amiable personality before I found myself. I wished so badly that I was an energetic, fun-loving, party-animal type of person. The truth was that I innately was. I was just hiding myself with layers of fear and self-loathing, I was not comfortable with my authentic self. Another example is that I used to be so afraid of getting fat when I was a sophomore in high school that I was constantly consumed by my self-obsession. The truth was that I was not aware of myself and my negative mind exaggerated my body image. My Mom would constantly tell me that I was a stick, but I would never believe her. Looking back on on those pictures of my sophomore year, I really was a stick. I just wasn't okay with myself yet and I hadn't learned to love myself. Now, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, I see myself through loving eyes and I don't feel bad about myself anymore. My philosophy on self awareness is propelled by one of my all time favorite quotes by Bob Proctor: "Everything you are is seeking you. Therefore, everything you want is already yours, you don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." Reading this quote for the first time completely change the way that I saw the world. I can have anything that I want. I can't necessarily get specific people I want because everyone has their agency and their own divine path. But I can have the life that I want to live. What a beautiful concept that everything we want is something within our grasp, we just need to become more aware. I love that.

One of the lessons that I learned this week: making choices that enable me to feel the spirit constantly brings joy and self-fulfillment. I have been focusing on that this week and in all honestly I have never been happier. Some events that have occurred these last couple of weeks would have definitely compelled me to feel sad and depressed even a few months back. However, my reaction to these conflicting events was much different than feeling sorry for myself, I felt an immense amount of joy and liberation. I could not even believe myself, even my friends thought I was in the middle of some hysteria. But to be absolutely real and frank, I have never been more emotionally healthy in my life. Even my mom makes comments that I am so emotionally healthy. For a long time, basically my whole life, I was emotionally dysfunctional and completely unhappy. Now, I am happily living independently without any codependent relationships. I'm not doing things because other people want to do them, I only do things that I authentically want to do. I don't affiliate myself with uncomfortable people and I am living my life for myself. It's incredible. All of the pain, all of the tears that I have shed for the sake of dysfunction has been paid off. If I could do it all again just to feel what I have been feeling this week, I would do it.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Peace in the midst of conflict

I'm not really sure where to start, but I feel a little conscientious now that I know certain people who read my blog. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to start fabricating my life in order for it to look better,  I'm just going to leave some stuff out. Yesterday I was struggling with my self-worth. Throughout my childhood that was something as familiar to me as the color of the sky; feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt and fear seemed to consume my adolescent mind. Now that I know better and have a better understanding of myself, feeling unworthy and having a lower resonance is not a place where I like to stay for very long. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel, but after a bit I surround myself with people who validate my feelings and help me see the bigger picture. My mom is usually one of my first outlets of stress since she and I are so similar in thought patterns; it's as though she is my emotionally disconnected twin that helps me see myself again through loving and forgiving eyes. If my mother is ocupado, I tend to seek out one of my other close friends that know me and can give me healthy, non-codependent advice. I can't even imagine my life without these people whom I trust so much. Anyway, going back to yesterday, I was sitting in sacrament meeting with my roommate and my friend, James, almost on the verge of tears. I allowed myself to think these horrible thoughts of myself and I was comparing myself to others. Thoughts like "I am super taboo" and "what's wrong with me" kept entering my mind. I went to my old house to have a good cry and a deep conversation with my mom, of course she tells me that I am totally fine and healthy; she was able to pull me back to reality. I tend to blow things out of proportion and worry myself over things or problems that are not even problematic. She left for a brief time to go visiting teaching and I had a spiritual confirmation of a source of the problem that I could not stop thinking about. Normally I would explain in greater depth what is going on but I can't do that here. As soon as I had this revelatory thought, I felt immediate peace. I stopped having these negative thoughts which in turn stopped the feelings of self-doubt and degradation. Sorry, I can't be completely honest here about what exactly is going on.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my actual roommate and I have been connecting really well on a deeper level. I never thought we would since she is very shy and quiet but I have gotten her to open up to me. She is seriously so funny to me, not that she is super witty or anything but she is just naturally funny. For instance, she has been going to bed at 8:30 lately since she has to wake up really early for work. Last Thursday, I got out of the shower around 9:15 and Lara shoots up in bed saying "what time is it?!" I was doing everything that I could to not laugh and I said  "9:15." She gets this really confused look on her face and doesn't say anything for a short period of time. By that time I was starting to squeak and she said "I am so confused, it feels like I have already slept the whole night." I was laughing hysterically as I ran out of the room to tell Ashley what just happened. Ashley and I were laughing in the living room and we could hear Lara laughing back in her room. I was dying. But the funniest part of that story is that Lara has no memory of that whole conversation, apparently she was sleep talking/laughing the whole time. She seriously cracks me up like an egg. Holy cabooses,  I don't think I could have asked for a better roommate.

Today was the topper in Spanish class. I don't know if I have laughed harder in that class before. My new friend, who feels like I have known for longer than a month, can bring out the funniest side of me. Seriously I don't know that many people that can bring out this goofy side of me. Like I said earlier, we are constantly quoting Nacho Libre along with Zoolander, Dan in Real Life and Hot Rod. I'm pretty sure we are on the verge of getting kicked out of that class because my laugh is so loud as it is and I don't even know what Hermano Nelson is saying anymore. I am practically asian in that class because my eyes are constantly watering. This kid, who reminds me of all the things that I don't like about my Dad, sits in the front of the class and is constantly verbalizing his thoughts. He also thinks he is super funny so every time he says a joke he looks around the room to see if anybody else is laughing with him. Very few people usually do because his jokes aren't even funny. Plus he just got back from his mission to Brazil so he is always talking to the professor in Portuguese which inevitably confuses the class. Yeah you could say that he rubs me the wrong way. Loreli and I are constantly making fun of him and we are planning on bringing pea shooters and blow darts to class next time for this hooligan. He can't even go ten seconds without saying something. Anyway, during potty break Loreli and I were pulling some signature Nacho Libre moves on our way to the throne and I could not stop laughing for the rest of the class period. There are only two things that I like about spanish: Loreli and Nacho Libre. I would probably be so quiet in that class without her.

Sorry for the super long post, actually I'm not that sorry. Have an awesome week!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Moments and Miracles

Never before have I ever felt so humbled, so full of gratitude and love towards others. Not just my friends and family, but people that I am relatively acquainted with or people I have never met before. Perhaps it is because I am on my own and I am personally responsible for everything in my life; or maybe it's because I am leaving in September and I have decided to live deliberately. I was talking to my Mom today about how fulfilled I feel right now because of how real I am with people. I don't try to fabricate my conversations with others in order to be more accepted, instead, I authentically converse with others in order to meet my own needs. I used to be super codependent in the past because I would change my behavior according to who I was around. Now, I feel very in control of my life and I have chosen to be authentic no matter who I am with. The results have been astounding; I feel wholly alive and I am incandescently happy. I look in the mirror and I love myself, I talk to people who struggle and I love them. Currently I'm not doing a whole lot of positive affirmations that start with "I am," instead I keep quoting Emily Dickinson: "Forever is composed of nows." This simple thought has helped me to live in the moment without any fear of the future or guilt from the past. Whatever I am currently feeling, I allow myself to wholly feel it even if it is negative. I remind myself again and again that I am human and there is nothing wrong with the way that I was made. Life is a beautiful miracle.

The smallest act of kindness in a moment of personal inadequacy makes me realize yet once again that I am never alone. For instance I was working in the dish room today in the Cannon center and the tray conveyer belt thingy broke. I honestly had no idea what to do since that has never happened before. Almost immediately afterwards, plan "B" was put into motion and racks of trays were pushed into the dish room. Coworkers who don't normally work in the dish room came in to help us out. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude, love and humility swelled within me. They all had their own jobs and things that they needed to be doing at that time and yet they chose to help us out. How many other college cafeteria workers throughout the country would be so eager to give aid to their fellow coworkers without a word of complaint? I have no idea, but it touched me deeply.

Earlier today I was eating lunch at the Cannon center by myself and I saw this elderly woman who I have seen there before. As she walked by me, I smiled up at her and she stopped and pointed at my cheeks and said "you have a gorgeous skin complexion." Yep, we're best friends now. Of course my mouth was full when she complimented me, so my "thank you" sounded more like a dying cow. But still, people are amazing and I fall in love with them everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without people I don't know. How boring would this life be if the world was only filled with people that we are well acquainted with.

Well I was a little nervous about writing this post at this time of night since my roommate, Lara, is asleep. Then I remembered that she is honestly the deepest sleeper that I have ever met before, I could probably sneeze really loud right next to her ear and she would still have the best night sleep of her life.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I have never laughed harder in my life (just kidding)

My abs are killing me from my excessive laughter from the last two days. My old self is starting to return and I'm feeling a lot better emotionally. Yesterday, I was laughing so hard in my Spanish class since I sit next to my friend, Lorali, and we are constantly quoting Nacho Libre. I drink so much water in that class so it's honestly a miracle that I haven't peed my pants yet. We tend to start off the class with hushed giggles but it inevitably comes to a point where I am doubled over with my eyes watering. Today I was laughing so hard with my roommate, Lara. I honestly had no idea that we would become such good friends. For instance, I asked her if she could do the Spongebob dance and she says "oh, the cramp?" And she starts crumpling up. I was on the ground in a matter of seconds, laughing hysterically. She seriously cracks me up like an egg and I think we have the same laugh.

Today I had an Emilee moment during FHE. We went to Pizza Pie Cafe to do Karaoke night, but before we went inside we played some games. One of the games that we played was the question game where you ask a person to your left a question and you can't laugh. The girl that was on my right kept asking the most bizarre questions which kept throwing me off. I kept trying to think of legitimate questions but I have such a hard time thinking on the spot. When it was my turn I asked the girl next to me "are you cars?" Ummmm.... what was that?! Once again in a matter of seconds I was on the ground laughing out of control. My life is so classic.

Anywho. Things are looking up. I started to laugh in the shower again the other day so that was a good sign. My writing professor loved my opinionated editorial but my oral test for Spanish was a bomb. Near the end of the test he had me ask him questions and all I could think of was cual es tu nombre and como estas. That was no bueno. However, the actual test wasn't that bad and a lot of it I knew. Dance is going extremely well,  I absolutely love the choreography that we learn and I'm grateful for my dancer brain.

Lately I have been more aware of how much I had before I moved out of my childhood. Every time I see or talk to my Mom, an immense feeling of love and gratitude envelopes my heart for the woman that has been there for me through thick and thin. I know it's not Mother's day nor is it her birthday but I still want to let her know how much she means to me. I feel like she's the only one that really understood me in almost every aspect of my life. Our experiences are so similar that we often compare and contrast them together. I love my Mom so much and I love how real we are with each other. Thanks Mom for teaching me how to live authentically. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

College Life

Despite the fact that I am not even a mile away from my childhood, I still feel that I am in a whole different world. So far, college has been fun; it's been interesting to meet new people from all over the country as well as outside of the country. However, with my lack of sleep and poor choices of when my classes are, I feel a little swamped. Everyday, except the weekends, I have Spanish 101 that starts at 8 in the morning. That was a poor choice on my part considering that I don't usually go to bed until 11:30 or 12, and I'm the type of person that has to have at least eight hours of sleep or I won't be able to function properly. Then I have my contemporary dance class that starts at 12 and ends at 12:50. I absolutely love that class because I feel like I'm in my element; my mind gets quiet and I let my body do all the talking. My dance teacher is absolutely brilliant; her knowledge of modern dance and contemporary is so vast and her body is incredible. The first day of class I could not stop looking at her arms, they are completely toned and sculpted by years of intense workouts; her feet are so boney and flexible, and when she points her toes her whole foot curves under. I wish my feet were like that.

My writing and rhetoric class is definitely one of my favorites. My professor actually knows my older brother, Jared, because he used to be good friends with her younger brother. Those of you who know Nathan McQuarrie, it's his older sister. Isn't that a crazy coincidence? Anywho, she reminds me of Mrs. Stewart and Mrs. Van Orden with her level of authenticity and her goofy sense of humor. She is seriously so funny and awesome. We were learning the rhetorical triangle the other day and she gave/showed us two speeches and had us analyze why they worked or didn't work with that particular audience. I laughed out loud when she gave us the copies of the speeches because one of them was the ironic marriage proposal given by Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice and the other one was the inspirational speech given by Aragorn before the final battle of Mordor. I absolutely love both of these speeches so that definitely gave her brownie points. I wish I had this class more often but I only have it every Tuesday and Thursday from 5:10-7:40 in the evening. It's a good thing that I like this class a lot or it would feel very long.

Lately I have been having a hard time emotionally, more in the sense that I am not getting my emotional needs met. I know that may sound strange, but I'm used to a life where I was having deep conversations with my Mom and with my closest friends on a daily basis. I'm so used to a life where expressing exactly what I think and feel is a normal, day-to-day relief of emotion. Without this habitual human connection, I feel deprived and unfulfilled. It's not that I feel like I have to be around people all of the time, I just want to be able to express myself through authentic conversation whenever I want. Right now I don't feel liberated enough to express my fears or what I really want in my life with my roommates. They don't really know me yet and they don't know my past. Plus, they're not exactly easy to talk to since we all have our different interests and backgrounds. Don't get me wrong, we all get along and somehow we do connect because we live under the same roof, but I don't feel the same way that I did before I moved out. I haven't laughed very hard in what seems like a long time for me: 4 days. I used to laugh in the shower almost every time, but now I don't find things as funny anymore. I think I'm just used to being with people that share my sense of humor and similar interests, for instance, my Mom and I are basically the same person with the same sense of humor and thought processes. It's weird to live with people that you've never met before and that don't know anything about you. Hopefully as time goes on this iceberg of awkwardness and inauthenticity will break and we will be able to connect with each other on a deeper level. Writing about my thoughts and feelings helps a lot, but in my opinion, nothing comes parallel to the fulfillment of human interaction and connection.