Monday, December 16, 2013


I have a theory about relationships. I believe that there are many people in this world who think that all of their problems and insecurities will be resolved once they're in a romantic relationship. Because from the outside, people who are in relationships look like they are so happy. The media portrays love to be so magical, perfect and sexy. But the reality is this: relationships are hard. They require so much more than the physical attraction and maybe the soulful connection. It is the honesty of the communication between the couple that governs the status of their relationship. Relationships are mirrors, they show you your problems and insecurities. They show what is holding you back from being completely happy and at peace with yourself and with your life. Marianne Williamson said: "When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself." Women, especially, think that they will feel beautiful, loved and cherished once they find a man. This is never the case. If you don't feel this on your own, chances are you won't feel it authentically. You can only attract someone who is in resonance to the degree of your self-perception. To say this in simpler terms: you attract what you believe you are, not what you want. If you think that you are wonderful, smart, amazing and bona fide, you will attract someone like that in your life. As it says in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "we accept the love we think we deserve." So fix your thinking before you try to fix someone else. Better yet, fix your self-perception before you decide to date someone. The truth is, you are good enough. You are. But if you don't think that, very few people will. We teach people how to treat us based upon our self-perception. If someone is treating you with disrespect, it may reflect the resonance of the relationship you have with yourself and with God. Marianne Williamson also said, " Our self-perception determines our behavior. If we think we're small, limited, inadequate creatures, then we tend to behave that way, and the energy we radiate reflects those thoughts no matter what we do. If we think we're magnificent creatures with an infinite abundance of love and power to give, then we tend to behave that way. Once again, the energy around us reflects our state of awareness."

My personal mantra: Men like women who like themselves. 

Sunday, December 8, 2013


Season's greetings, everyone!

I honestly can't believe that the semester will be over in two weeks. I don't even really know what to say about it other than that I love everything that I have experienced up here in Rexburg. I have learned so much. I'm kind of sad that I won't be here for next semester. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to go on a mission, but I really love the people up here and the campus. I brought it up with my roommate, Alexa, and we both concurred that we're going to miss each other a lot. Alexa said the nicest thing to me yesterday: "Emilee, you are the funniest and most interesting person I have ever known." I asked her what she meant by interesting and she said that I have a different perspective on life and that I help her to see things differently. That made me feel good. I love her so much. She is definitely one of my favorite people up here. I remember when I first got here, I was trying to decide what bed I wanted. I chose the room that Alexa was in because the energy that it emanated resonated with me. Her side of the room was covered with words and pictures that radiated hope, wholeness and love. And everything was pink. I love pink. I'm so grateful that I chose the room that I did because Alexa is like the sister that I never had. She is seriously so great and I'm going to miss her so much. We tell each other everything.

I went through the temple for the first time last Saturday, and in all honesty, I don't think that I have ever been more overwhelmed. It just wasn't what I expected. My mind was just boggled for the next couple of days and getting used to wearing garments was interesting. Not bad, just different. I went again on Thursday and everything was much better. I don't think that I would be able to explain what certain things meant to someone else but the feelings that I had felt good. And everything that is good is from God. The garments are actually really comfy and they are a wonderful reminder of the covenants that I have made. They are such a blessing. I get nervous every time I take them off because I'm scared that I will get struck by lightning. I'm totally kidding, but not really. I really do feel protected when I wear them, which is almost always.

Preparing for my mission is really helping me to progress in my testimony of the gospel and in the development of my character. I find myself relying on God more than I have ever done before. What really helps me is at the end of each prayer I say: "Heavenly Father, I am yours. I am thy servant. I will go where you want me to go and I will do whatever thou wouldst have me do." However, I still have my moments where I have spurts of anxiety. The most nerve-racking to me is the thought of having to readjust to a new environment and having to start off on a lower point. The same thing happened when I started school at BYU in the summer and coming up here to Rexburg in September. The first two weeks were awful. I am nervous to go on a mission but I also know that everything is going to be amazing and that I will be changed for the better. I really want to help people and I really want to inspire others to come unto Christ. I want people to feel the love and forgiveness that I have received from the Savior and for them to experience it as well. I'm also nervous about the food in the Midwest. I heard that the people down there make a lot of fried foods. I don't eat fried food. That's why I wanted to go to Japan because I wanted to eat a plethora amount of sushi and rice. But then again I would have had to learn Japanese and that's not a cake walk. I'm grateful that I'm speaking English.

I had this epiphany the other day and I realized how much I was living in fear because I wasn't living in the moment. It was at the point where it was governing my interactions with others. I finally came to the conclusion that I was done with living in fear and that I was going to keep myself living in the moment. The truth is that there is only love in the moment. Guilt resides in the past and fear is abundant in the unknown future. You can't help but be happy and at peace with your life when you live in the moment. The personal mantras that help me to live in the moment are: "there is no where that I would rather be than right here, right now" and "I am living in the moment." I still have my moments where I catch myself over thinking things but those positive affirmations do help me realign myself. I also realized that the less I think about things, the better I feel.

Anywho. That's what's new with me. Lately I have been listening to the Mindy Gledhill (Holiday) station on Pandora and I highly recommend it. It makes me feel all giddy for the Christmas season. This is one of my favorite songs from the station:

Have an awesome day/week/month everyone! I hope you are doing well. If you're not, then you are on the verge of greatness. Just surrender everything to God and everything will fall into place. Also, love yourself, miraculous changes happen with self-love.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Tulsa, Oklahoma

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry I have not blogged in a long time but every time I thought about blogging, I never felt the need to do it. Anywho. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I'm pretty sure my last post was the first day of school at BYU-I... Haha whoops. It would take many pages to even scratch the surface of my experiences up in Rexburg. In a nutshell, I love BYU-Idaho. I know I'm supposed to be up here and I have met some incredible people. My roommates are awesome, I seriously could not have picked better ones. They are so funny and easy to be with. I absolutely love my classes, they are definitely my style of learning and I am learning so much. My favorite is my Social Problems class. No, it's not for people who are socially awkward. It's about prevalent issues and conflicts in our society such as prostitution, pornography, rape and poverty. I love it. My professor is awesome and the class is graded solely on tests. The only homework we have to do is reading. In all honesty, it reminds me of Mrs. Van Orden's class where there is a promotion of free-thinking and not busy-work. Plus the guy who sits next to me is pretty dang cute. Whoop there it is.

To get down to the point, I am going on a mission. This all happened about a month and a half ago where I kept having the word "mission" cross my mind. On October 6th I talked to my Bishop about going on a mission and an hour later I was starting my papers. Two weeks later I came down to do all of my medical stuff, thankfully I only had to get one shot. Then one week later I met with my Bishop and then my Stake President. In my mind everything was going perfectly, I had put my availability date on April 30th since I was planning on going to winter semester. I didn't realize that I wouldn't have been able to officially turn my papers in til the end of January and then get my call in February. I was disappointed and it felt wrong. I wanted to know where I was going so bad. During sacrament meeting, I was writing in my journal about my internal conflicts. I felt so discouraged, why didn't this feel good? I prayed and I asked myself what was so wrong with going in February or March. Inevitably, I felt that I should change my availability date to my birthday. What better way to surrender to God then putting my availability date on my 19th birthday? My mom and I drove back to the stake center and had the secretary change my availability date to February 7th. It was a leap of faith. Two and a half weeks later, I got my call. Except I had to wait two whole days to open it. I could not concentrate on anything and I kept having spurts of hysteria. Finally, thirty of my close friends and family witnessed my reaction.

Dear Sister Ratto:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Oklahoma Tulsa Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, February 26, 2014. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the English language.

Oklahoma was definitely not my first guess, but it felt right. I knew that I was going state-side. However, I still cannot fathom it and I am a little overwhelmed with everything. Despite everything that is going through the left side of my brain, I am excited. The mission boundaries cover Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri and Arkansas. The cute guy I mentioned earlier served his mission in that exact same mission. Which is so crazy. He told me that the culture down there is awesome. The people are down to earth and very blunt. I love people who are real so I think I am going to fit in well or stand out in a positive way. I can't way to connect with them on a deep level and serve them. The mission presidents seem really nice and they are from Pleasant Grove, Utah! How cool.

God never ceases to amaze me. It's crazy to me how fast things happen when it's right and when it's meant to be or how quickly it falls apart when it is not right. But I feel that is contingent on personal faith, obedience to the commandments and an absolute surrender to God's will. I have always wanted to facilitate others to changing their lives by changing their perspective on life. What a wonderful opportunity that has been placed before me. Life is so beautiful.

Well that's what is new with me. I hope you are doing well. If you ever want/need to talk to someone about personal issues please call me or text me. I love talking to people about their lives. I love you all and I am grateful for your existence in my life. I do, authentically, think highly of you.

Monday, September 16, 2013

First day of school at BYU Idaho

First day of BYU Idaho was a success, I am finally falling in love with my current reality. Earlier, I was struggling with this new adjustment. I missed my Mom and I missed being around my friends that I can have real conversations with. Now, I am enjoying myself. My apartment is amazing, at least 10x better than Wyview and my roommates are hysterically funny. There's one that I absolutely cannot get enough of. At first she was a little distant from me but as soon as I broke into her we became good friends. She has the driest, smartest humor that makes me double over in tears. Like Loreli, she can bring out the goofiest side of me. Watch out, Rexburg.

Anywho. I love my classes so far but most of all I love my schedule. Unlike my ill-planned summer schedule, I can actually sleep in. On Mondays and Wednesdays my first class (Book of Mormon) starts at 12:45 then I have science foundations (whatever that means) at 4:30. Why is my life so good? Tuesdays and Thursdays are not so laid back but they definitely beat any other schedule that I have ever had. My first class, social problems, starts at 9:45. Then I go to my college reading class at 11:30 and after that I have American foundations (American heritage) at 3:15. Two words: giddy up. So far I really like my professors and my classmates. I didn't get lost which was a relief.

I went with my roommates to this ward social tonight and it was super fun. Michelle, my funny roommate, brought out that goofy side of me so it was super fun. She seriously cracks me up like an egg and I lose fear of how I am coming across to others. It is liberating. After the ward social, five out of six of us drove through this rural part of Rexburg and Hibbard and I feel like I really want to live there. Maybe not in Idaho but somewhere just as rural and vacant. As much as I love people, I would love to have a house that was more secluded in the country. It's so peaceful and thought-provoking.

Well I hope everyone is doing okay. If you ever need someone to talk about philosophy, humanity or family problems feel free to call me. Those are some of my favorite things to talk about. Have a wonderful week!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


My mind bleeds with contrasting and contradicting thoughts that emanate battling emotions. I'm scared and yet I'm at peace; I'm happy and yet I'm sad. There are only a few things that I am absolutely certain of and the rest are fear-based, futuristic questions. I think I'm scared because I don't have a set plan for my life right now but then I have a peaceful thought that says "you don't need one." Back in high school, I always knew what I was going to be doing the next year; now, there are so many things that I can be doing in a year from now. What I am certain of is this: I am leaving for BYU-I in two and a half weeks. I'm not exactly sure what's in store for me there, all I know is that I'm supposed to be there. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do as far as a career is concerned but I know what kind of person I want to be. I want to be happy and be at peace with myself and my life, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see, I want to learn more about people and cultures. I want to believe in all that I am and I want to help people by living authentically. I want to be the person that I was meant to be. These thoughts and desires bring peace to my mind and quiets all of my irrational fears. "Everything you are is seeking you, therefore everything you want is already yours. You don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." -Bob Proctor

I started to read The Book Thief again. The last time I read it was during my freshman year of high school, also known as the peak of my superficiality. At the time I understood the book as best as I could, but I was not able to fully appreciate its significance. Reading it again with more experienced eyes has been most interesting, my soul resonates with it now more than ever. Markus Zusak is an artist of words. Whatever our souls are made of, ours are the same. Despite how tired I get, my eyes and my mind are constantly hungering for more. It boggles my mind how I can fall in love with people and personalities that are only made real through words. Such as Liesel's infatuation with words and books, Hans Hubermann's "thereness", Rosa's abusive expression of love. All of it. My heart heaved during the paragraph that explains Hans Hubermann's "thereness." It made me reminisce the nightmares that I had as a kid and feeling like I was such a burden whenever I was being human. I may still be harboring some bitterness towards my past but I see it as the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm grateful for it and I honor it. I honor the little girl that I was. I was so human to react the way that I did and to be aware of that exponentially increases my acceptance of self.

I am who I am.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

"Happy Valley"

Next week is finals week and since I can't drive to Gold's anymore I decided to go running around Wyview.... at 11:30 at night. I put my shoes on and I was out the door in a matter of minutes. As I was running past the intersection, these two motor cyclers drove past me. I didn't think much of it and I kept up my usual pace. As I got closer to Burger Supreme I noticed that they had made a U turn and were driving past me again, then turned into the parking lot. My first thought was "Uh oh." I started to run a little faster but I didn't want to look conspicuous. Of course, whenever I try not to look conspicuous I look even more conspicuous. I had a feeling that I should go into Burger Supreme's foyer. I stood in there for a bit stretching my arms and checking my pulse. Two hispanic workers came and asked me if I was okay. I just told them that I was stretching. I'm sure they knew that something was going on because I can't hide any emotion. The two motor cyclers made another turn around and they were both parked in front of Burger Supreme's glass foyer. I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights; my heart was pounding and I felt uncomfortably vulnerable. One of the guys tried to open the door and thankfully the door was locked on that side. They immediately left but I still didn't move. When I was sure that they were gone, I ventured out, trusting my intuition. Not even 5 feet away from Burger Supreme, another car pulls up beside me. What is this, national rapist day? The driver's appearance didn't make me feel any more comfortable; he was definitely a testosterone-filled, hispanic with some burley tattoos. The guy asked me if the motor cyclers were following me, I told him I didn't know. I think he realized that he was scaring me so he let me go on my way. I noticed that another car pulled up beside him and it was a woman. I felt a little relieved since psychologically I esteem women to have good intentions. However, I didn't stick around long enough to find out if he was trying to help me; I sprinted all the way back to my apartment. I'm not sure what the motor cycler's intentions were. Maybe they were out for a midnight snack or maybe they were lost. Perhaps that guy who tried to open the door was my Grandma. Who knows. But what I do know is that I will never go running by myself at night ever again.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Curve ball

I know that I just blogged a couple of days ago, but I need to turn on the faucet of my heart. Up until last night I was doing fine. My life seemed like it was in order and I was incandescently happy; I unconditionally loved myself and I felt whole. Then there was a curve ball. A simple, penetrating reminder that I'm not as whole as I thought I was. I'm hesitant to write about the issue at hand because of who might read this, but are we not all human? I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I will give a brief summary. I haven't talked to my Dad since my high school graduation. Before graduation I was doing fine with my relationship with my Dad, I was finally able to accept him and give him space to be himself. I invited him to come to my graduation lunch with the rest of my family, little did I know that would not be very fun. I wanted to go to PF Changs for my graduation lunch, but my Dad hates Chinese food. Long story short, we ended up going to a restaurant that he wanted to go to. At first I was fine with this, but the lunch was awful. I don't know what got into me but I was angry. My Dad was talking the whole time about matters that I judged to be trivial. I judged him harshly and I know that he could feel my negative vibes. I'm the type of person that likes my space, I don't like to be talking with people all the time. I sometimes forget that some people are uncomfortable with sitting in silence, but in all honesty I don't mind it at all. I actually prefer it. My Dad does not understand that, he hardly knows me. I felt like he was pushing me into a corner, asking me questions when I was in the middle of eating. That is definitely one of my pet peeves. Anyway, after that I didn't want to have lunch with him for a long time. I also started school and got a job so my life had gotten pretty busy. During this semester I kind of forgot about him. I know that may sound horrible but I didn't give myself a whole lot of time to think about him. Spending time with my Dad is not something that I enjoy, so therefore, he's not one of my priorities. Last night I received an eight page letter from him and I haven't even started to read it. I don't want to. At first when I saw it I started to laugh, mocking at how desperate he is to connect with me. Then there was this twang. This reopening of old wounds that had been closed off by ignorance. Whoever said that ignorance is bliss knows what they are talking about; I had never been happier in my life. As my mom and I were driving in the car, all of my old perceptions of my Dad returned. It's kind of like I have two sides of me: the side that everyone knows and loves and then the other side that haunts and despairs my good side. I had my Mom read the letter first and she told me that it was basically him apologizing for not always being there for me as a kid. He felt that he had connected more with Jared than he did with me, which is true. I always felt like I was being compared to my super intellectual older brother that had a lot in common with my Dad. I wished so badly that I could connect with my Dad. But I'm so different. I'm the entertainer in my family, the one who is always making everyone laugh; no one in my family is like me. Even though my Mom and I are similar in thought patterns, we don't share passions of literature, writing, dance and performing. But how can I connect with my Dad when he doesn't even validate my own perspective on life and human nature? Why do I have to be the one to facilitate this healthier connection? I know that may be my own false perception of him, but this is how I feel.

I think right now I just want to be completely okay with myself, my Dad and my life. Every once in awhile I need to allow myself time to break down and fall apart. Only then do I realize what I need to focus on, but for right now I'm going to let myself be where I am until I know what to do. My life has been good but these times are needed for my own personal progression. It's human to have times of despair, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me. I know better. Do not pity me, instead, validate my feelings even though they are not the best feelings.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Let's be real

Throughout the weeks I have moments where I think of what I would like to write for this week's dialogue. My stream of thoughts always seem so elaborate and deep whenever I'm at work or walking back to my apartment, but sitting here with all of the necessary tools to making this happen I feel like a milk dud. All of the previous thoughts seem insignificant and unimportant as to what I want to write right now. So what do I want to write about? My developed philosophies. I have always believed in the power of awareness but I guess I wasn't fully aware of it's influence till now (I know that sounds funny but just go with me on this). It seems like in the past whenever I wanted something so desperately, I would eventually realize I had it all along as time passed. For instance when I was younger I was categorized as having a super amiable personality before I found myself. I wished so badly that I was an energetic, fun-loving, party-animal type of person. The truth was that I innately was. I was just hiding myself with layers of fear and self-loathing, I was not comfortable with my authentic self. Another example is that I used to be so afraid of getting fat when I was a sophomore in high school that I was constantly consumed by my self-obsession. The truth was that I was not aware of myself and my negative mind exaggerated my body image. My Mom would constantly tell me that I was a stick, but I would never believe her. Looking back on on those pictures of my sophomore year, I really was a stick. I just wasn't okay with myself yet and I hadn't learned to love myself. Now, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, I see myself through loving eyes and I don't feel bad about myself anymore. My philosophy on self awareness is propelled by one of my all time favorite quotes by Bob Proctor: "Everything you are is seeking you. Therefore, everything you want is already yours, you don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." Reading this quote for the first time completely change the way that I saw the world. I can have anything that I want. I can't necessarily get specific people I want because everyone has their agency and their own divine path. But I can have the life that I want to live. What a beautiful concept that everything we want is something within our grasp, we just need to become more aware. I love that.

One of the lessons that I learned this week: making choices that enable me to feel the spirit constantly brings joy and self-fulfillment. I have been focusing on that this week and in all honestly I have never been happier. Some events that have occurred these last couple of weeks would have definitely compelled me to feel sad and depressed even a few months back. However, my reaction to these conflicting events was much different than feeling sorry for myself, I felt an immense amount of joy and liberation. I could not even believe myself, even my friends thought I was in the middle of some hysteria. But to be absolutely real and frank, I have never been more emotionally healthy in my life. Even my mom makes comments that I am so emotionally healthy. For a long time, basically my whole life, I was emotionally dysfunctional and completely unhappy. Now, I am happily living independently without any codependent relationships. I'm not doing things because other people want to do them, I only do things that I authentically want to do. I don't affiliate myself with uncomfortable people and I am living my life for myself. It's incredible. All of the pain, all of the tears that I have shed for the sake of dysfunction has been paid off. If I could do it all again just to feel what I have been feeling this week, I would do it.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Peace in the midst of conflict

I'm not really sure where to start, but I feel a little conscientious now that I know certain people who read my blog. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to start fabricating my life in order for it to look better,  I'm just going to leave some stuff out. Yesterday I was struggling with my self-worth. Throughout my childhood that was something as familiar to me as the color of the sky; feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt and fear seemed to consume my adolescent mind. Now that I know better and have a better understanding of myself, feeling unworthy and having a lower resonance is not a place where I like to stay for very long. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel, but after a bit I surround myself with people who validate my feelings and help me see the bigger picture. My mom is usually one of my first outlets of stress since she and I are so similar in thought patterns; it's as though she is my emotionally disconnected twin that helps me see myself again through loving and forgiving eyes. If my mother is ocupado, I tend to seek out one of my other close friends that know me and can give me healthy, non-codependent advice. I can't even imagine my life without these people whom I trust so much. Anyway, going back to yesterday, I was sitting in sacrament meeting with my roommate and my friend, James, almost on the verge of tears. I allowed myself to think these horrible thoughts of myself and I was comparing myself to others. Thoughts like "I am super taboo" and "what's wrong with me" kept entering my mind. I went to my old house to have a good cry and a deep conversation with my mom, of course she tells me that I am totally fine and healthy; she was able to pull me back to reality. I tend to blow things out of proportion and worry myself over things or problems that are not even problematic. She left for a brief time to go visiting teaching and I had a spiritual confirmation of a source of the problem that I could not stop thinking about. Normally I would explain in greater depth what is going on but I can't do that here. As soon as I had this revelatory thought, I felt immediate peace. I stopped having these negative thoughts which in turn stopped the feelings of self-doubt and degradation. Sorry, I can't be completely honest here about what exactly is going on.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my actual roommate and I have been connecting really well on a deeper level. I never thought we would since she is very shy and quiet but I have gotten her to open up to me. She is seriously so funny to me, not that she is super witty or anything but she is just naturally funny. For instance, she has been going to bed at 8:30 lately since she has to wake up really early for work. Last Thursday, I got out of the shower around 9:15 and Lara shoots up in bed saying "what time is it?!" I was doing everything that I could to not laugh and I said  "9:15." She gets this really confused look on her face and doesn't say anything for a short period of time. By that time I was starting to squeak and she said "I am so confused, it feels like I have already slept the whole night." I was laughing hysterically as I ran out of the room to tell Ashley what just happened. Ashley and I were laughing in the living room and we could hear Lara laughing back in her room. I was dying. But the funniest part of that story is that Lara has no memory of that whole conversation, apparently she was sleep talking/laughing the whole time. She seriously cracks me up like an egg. Holy cabooses,  I don't think I could have asked for a better roommate.

Today was the topper in Spanish class. I don't know if I have laughed harder in that class before. My new friend, who feels like I have known for longer than a month, can bring out the funniest side of me. Seriously I don't know that many people that can bring out this goofy side of me. Like I said earlier, we are constantly quoting Nacho Libre along with Zoolander, Dan in Real Life and Hot Rod. I'm pretty sure we are on the verge of getting kicked out of that class because my laugh is so loud as it is and I don't even know what Hermano Nelson is saying anymore. I am practically asian in that class because my eyes are constantly watering. This kid, who reminds me of all the things that I don't like about my Dad, sits in the front of the class and is constantly verbalizing his thoughts. He also thinks he is super funny so every time he says a joke he looks around the room to see if anybody else is laughing with him. Very few people usually do because his jokes aren't even funny. Plus he just got back from his mission to Brazil so he is always talking to the professor in Portuguese which inevitably confuses the class. Yeah you could say that he rubs me the wrong way. Loreli and I are constantly making fun of him and we are planning on bringing pea shooters and blow darts to class next time for this hooligan. He can't even go ten seconds without saying something. Anyway, during potty break Loreli and I were pulling some signature Nacho Libre moves on our way to the throne and I could not stop laughing for the rest of the class period. There are only two things that I like about spanish: Loreli and Nacho Libre. I would probably be so quiet in that class without her.

Sorry for the super long post, actually I'm not that sorry. Have an awesome week!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Moments and Miracles

Never before have I ever felt so humbled, so full of gratitude and love towards others. Not just my friends and family, but people that I am relatively acquainted with or people I have never met before. Perhaps it is because I am on my own and I am personally responsible for everything in my life; or maybe it's because I am leaving in September and I have decided to live deliberately. I was talking to my Mom today about how fulfilled I feel right now because of how real I am with people. I don't try to fabricate my conversations with others in order to be more accepted, instead, I authentically converse with others in order to meet my own needs. I used to be super codependent in the past because I would change my behavior according to who I was around. Now, I feel very in control of my life and I have chosen to be authentic no matter who I am with. The results have been astounding; I feel wholly alive and I am incandescently happy. I look in the mirror and I love myself, I talk to people who struggle and I love them. Currently I'm not doing a whole lot of positive affirmations that start with "I am," instead I keep quoting Emily Dickinson: "Forever is composed of nows." This simple thought has helped me to live in the moment without any fear of the future or guilt from the past. Whatever I am currently feeling, I allow myself to wholly feel it even if it is negative. I remind myself again and again that I am human and there is nothing wrong with the way that I was made. Life is a beautiful miracle.

The smallest act of kindness in a moment of personal inadequacy makes me realize yet once again that I am never alone. For instance I was working in the dish room today in the Cannon center and the tray conveyer belt thingy broke. I honestly had no idea what to do since that has never happened before. Almost immediately afterwards, plan "B" was put into motion and racks of trays were pushed into the dish room. Coworkers who don't normally work in the dish room came in to help us out. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude, love and humility swelled within me. They all had their own jobs and things that they needed to be doing at that time and yet they chose to help us out. How many other college cafeteria workers throughout the country would be so eager to give aid to their fellow coworkers without a word of complaint? I have no idea, but it touched me deeply.

Earlier today I was eating lunch at the Cannon center by myself and I saw this elderly woman who I have seen there before. As she walked by me, I smiled up at her and she stopped and pointed at my cheeks and said "you have a gorgeous skin complexion." Yep, we're best friends now. Of course my mouth was full when she complimented me, so my "thank you" sounded more like a dying cow. But still, people are amazing and I fall in love with them everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without people I don't know. How boring would this life be if the world was only filled with people that we are well acquainted with.

Well I was a little nervous about writing this post at this time of night since my roommate, Lara, is asleep. Then I remembered that she is honestly the deepest sleeper that I have ever met before, I could probably sneeze really loud right next to her ear and she would still have the best night sleep of her life.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I have never laughed harder in my life (just kidding)

My abs are killing me from my excessive laughter from the last two days. My old self is starting to return and I'm feeling a lot better emotionally. Yesterday, I was laughing so hard in my Spanish class since I sit next to my friend, Lorali, and we are constantly quoting Nacho Libre. I drink so much water in that class so it's honestly a miracle that I haven't peed my pants yet. We tend to start off the class with hushed giggles but it inevitably comes to a point where I am doubled over with my eyes watering. Today I was laughing so hard with my roommate, Lara. I honestly had no idea that we would become such good friends. For instance, I asked her if she could do the Spongebob dance and she says "oh, the cramp?" And she starts crumpling up. I was on the ground in a matter of seconds, laughing hysterically. She seriously cracks me up like an egg and I think we have the same laugh.

Today I had an Emilee moment during FHE. We went to Pizza Pie Cafe to do Karaoke night, but before we went inside we played some games. One of the games that we played was the question game where you ask a person to your left a question and you can't laugh. The girl that was on my right kept asking the most bizarre questions which kept throwing me off. I kept trying to think of legitimate questions but I have such a hard time thinking on the spot. When it was my turn I asked the girl next to me "are you cars?" Ummmm.... what was that?! Once again in a matter of seconds I was on the ground laughing out of control. My life is so classic.

Anywho. Things are looking up. I started to laugh in the shower again the other day so that was a good sign. My writing professor loved my opinionated editorial but my oral test for Spanish was a bomb. Near the end of the test he had me ask him questions and all I could think of was cual es tu nombre and como estas. That was no bueno. However, the actual test wasn't that bad and a lot of it I knew. Dance is going extremely well,  I absolutely love the choreography that we learn and I'm grateful for my dancer brain.

Lately I have been more aware of how much I had before I moved out of my childhood. Every time I see or talk to my Mom, an immense feeling of love and gratitude envelopes my heart for the woman that has been there for me through thick and thin. I know it's not Mother's day nor is it her birthday but I still want to let her know how much she means to me. I feel like she's the only one that really understood me in almost every aspect of my life. Our experiences are so similar that we often compare and contrast them together. I love my Mom so much and I love how real we are with each other. Thanks Mom for teaching me how to live authentically. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

College Life

Despite the fact that I am not even a mile away from my childhood, I still feel that I am in a whole different world. So far, college has been fun; it's been interesting to meet new people from all over the country as well as outside of the country. However, with my lack of sleep and poor choices of when my classes are, I feel a little swamped. Everyday, except the weekends, I have Spanish 101 that starts at 8 in the morning. That was a poor choice on my part considering that I don't usually go to bed until 11:30 or 12, and I'm the type of person that has to have at least eight hours of sleep or I won't be able to function properly. Then I have my contemporary dance class that starts at 12 and ends at 12:50. I absolutely love that class because I feel like I'm in my element; my mind gets quiet and I let my body do all the talking. My dance teacher is absolutely brilliant; her knowledge of modern dance and contemporary is so vast and her body is incredible. The first day of class I could not stop looking at her arms, they are completely toned and sculpted by years of intense workouts; her feet are so boney and flexible, and when she points her toes her whole foot curves under. I wish my feet were like that.

My writing and rhetoric class is definitely one of my favorites. My professor actually knows my older brother, Jared, because he used to be good friends with her younger brother. Those of you who know Nathan McQuarrie, it's his older sister. Isn't that a crazy coincidence? Anywho, she reminds me of Mrs. Stewart and Mrs. Van Orden with her level of authenticity and her goofy sense of humor. She is seriously so funny and awesome. We were learning the rhetorical triangle the other day and she gave/showed us two speeches and had us analyze why they worked or didn't work with that particular audience. I laughed out loud when she gave us the copies of the speeches because one of them was the ironic marriage proposal given by Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice and the other one was the inspirational speech given by Aragorn before the final battle of Mordor. I absolutely love both of these speeches so that definitely gave her brownie points. I wish I had this class more often but I only have it every Tuesday and Thursday from 5:10-7:40 in the evening. It's a good thing that I like this class a lot or it would feel very long.

Lately I have been having a hard time emotionally, more in the sense that I am not getting my emotional needs met. I know that may sound strange, but I'm used to a life where I was having deep conversations with my Mom and with my closest friends on a daily basis. I'm so used to a life where expressing exactly what I think and feel is a normal, day-to-day relief of emotion. Without this habitual human connection, I feel deprived and unfulfilled. It's not that I feel like I have to be around people all of the time, I just want to be able to express myself through authentic conversation whenever I want. Right now I don't feel liberated enough to express my fears or what I really want in my life with my roommates. They don't really know me yet and they don't know my past. Plus, they're not exactly easy to talk to since we all have our different interests and backgrounds. Don't get me wrong, we all get along and somehow we do connect because we live under the same roof, but I don't feel the same way that I did before I moved out. I haven't laughed very hard in what seems like a long time for me: 4 days. I used to laugh in the shower almost every time, but now I don't find things as funny anymore. I think I'm just used to being with people that share my sense of humor and similar interests, for instance, my Mom and I are basically the same person with the same sense of humor and thought processes. It's weird to live with people that you've never met before and that don't know anything about you. Hopefully as time goes on this iceberg of awkwardness and inauthenticity will break and we will be able to connect with each other on a deeper level. Writing about my thoughts and feelings helps a lot, but in my opinion, nothing comes parallel to the fulfillment of human interaction and connection.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I am human

Well folks, this will be my last week living at home. Holy cabooses I 'm growing up. I think subconsciously it's impacting me a lot more than I am consciously aware of right now. I was sick all day yesterday after my first day of work at the Cannon center and I never get sick. Never. I tend to be my worst enemy when it comes to doing something new in the sense that I view myself a lot worse off than I actually am. People can tell me all day how great I am but if I don't see it in myself first, I will never believe them. In the end I realize yet once again that it doesn't matter how other people view you, it's how you view yourself. One of my all time favorite Marianne Williamson quotes says: "Our self perception determines our behavior. If we think we're small, limited, inadequate creatures, then we tend to behave that way, and the energy we radiate reflects those thoughts no matter what we do. If we think we're magnificent creatures with an infinite abundance of love and power to give, then we tend to behave that way. Once again, the energy around us reflects our state of awareness." I believe in this concept wholeheartedly and I absolutely love it. I can definitely tell a difference with my interactions with others when I think I am an amazing, daughter of God versus when I think that I am inadequate or not good enough. Isn't it interesting how our interactions with others reflects how we treat ourselves?

I think my biggest concern right now is getting everything done by this Friday. Yep, this Friday is when I move out. I still need to buy my books for my classes, get a laptop and figure out what clothes and books I want to bring. There isn't a whole lot of book space on my desk so I will definitely have to condense it down to my top favorites (A Return to Love, Their Eyes Were Watching God, Love is Letting go of Fear, The Glass Castle, The Great Gatsby, The Book Thief, The Help and The Grapes of Wrath). There is a certain degree of comfort and security I feel when I am surrounded by good literature.

Well, until next time.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

We all live in a yellow submarine

Where to start? I love people. There is nothing that fascinates me more than human behavior and experience. I love when people's eyes light up when they figure out their passion and their honest moments that truly portray how they are feeling. I tend to surround myself with people who are authentic and know how to have fun. I have a harder time being with people who are extremely aggressive and strongly opinionated. Let me clarify, it's good to have a strong opinion but as far as thinking that your opinion is the only right one and that you're an idiot if you don't think the same way, you won't be seeing very much of me. I view myself as a free thinker and I am constantly looking for edification.

I will be starting summer school at BYU in a couple of weeks as a visiting student then in the fall I will be attending BYU-Idaho. I am super stoked. One of my closest friends is up there now majoring in sociology and she loves it. She says that the dance program is awesome. However, she's really good at every style of dance and I'm only experienced in ballroom dancing. That will be interesting. Good thing that I am taking a contemporary dance class this summer. I will also be taking writing and rhetoric and Spanish. Two words: giddy up. I was ready for college back in December, five months before I graduated. As much as I loved high school and made a lot of great friends, I am more than ready to move forward.

There are three things that I am going to miss about high school: Mrs. Van Orden, Mrs. Stewart and ballroom. Three years on the varsity ballroom team definitely shapes you to think a certain way. Not gonna lie, I was getting kind of sick of the whole thing by the end of my junior year. When you do the same thing year after year, one can't help but get tired of it. My favorite parts of being on team were the concerts and tours. Nationals always gave me an anxiety attack so I can't say that was on the list of favorites. However, I worshiped the varsity team's standard medley "string attack" when I was a freshman and to be able to dance it at nationals my sophomore and junior year was an honor. I hold that standard medley in a special place in my heart. It hurts me to see JV dance it, but life moves on. It's going to be kind of weird to be starting from scratch when I get to BYU-I, because I am so used to being at the top of the food chain, but now I will feel a stronger push to work hard and improve myself. Hooray for new beginnings.