Never before have I ever felt so humbled, so full of gratitude and love towards others. Not just my friends and family, but people that I am relatively acquainted with or people I have never met before. Perhaps it is because I am on my own and I am personally responsible for everything in my life; or maybe it's because I am leaving in September and I have decided to live deliberately. I was talking to my Mom today about how fulfilled I feel right now because of how real I am with people. I don't try to fabricate my conversations with others in order to be more accepted, instead, I authentically converse with others in order to meet my own needs. I used to be super codependent in the past because I would change my behavior according to who I was around. Now, I feel very in control of my life and I have chosen to be authentic no matter who I am with. The results have been astounding; I feel wholly alive and I am incandescently happy. I look in the mirror and I love myself, I talk to people who struggle and I love them. Currently I'm not doing a whole lot of positive affirmations that start with "I am," instead I keep quoting Emily Dickinson: "Forever is composed of nows." This simple thought has helped me to live in the moment without any fear of the future or guilt from the past. Whatever I am currently feeling, I allow myself to wholly feel it even if it is negative. I remind myself again and again that I am human and there is nothing wrong with the way that I was made. Life is a beautiful miracle.
The smallest act of kindness in a moment of personal inadequacy makes me realize yet once again that I am never alone. For instance I was working in the dish room today in the Cannon center and the tray conveyer belt thingy broke. I honestly had no idea what to do since that has never happened before. Almost immediately afterwards, plan "B" was put into motion and racks of trays were pushed into the dish room. Coworkers who don't normally work in the dish room came in to help us out. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude, love and humility swelled within me. They all had their own jobs and things that they needed to be doing at that time and yet they chose to help us out. How many other college cafeteria workers throughout the country would be so eager to give aid to their fellow coworkers without a word of complaint? I have no idea, but it touched me deeply.
Earlier today I was eating lunch at the Cannon center by myself and I saw this elderly woman who I have seen there before. As she walked by me, I smiled up at her and she stopped and pointed at my cheeks and said "you have a gorgeous skin complexion." Yep, we're best friends now. Of course my mouth was full when she complimented me, so my "thank you" sounded more like a dying cow. But still, people are amazing and I fall in love with them everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without people I don't know. How boring would this life be if the world was only filled with people that we are well acquainted with.
Well I was a little nervous about writing this post at this time of night since my roommate, Lara, is asleep. Then I remembered that she is honestly the deepest sleeper that I have ever met before, I could probably sneeze really loud right next to her ear and she would still have the best night sleep of her life.