Monday, July 22, 2013

Peace in the midst of conflict

I'm not really sure where to start, but I feel a little conscientious now that I know certain people who read my blog. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to start fabricating my life in order for it to look better,  I'm just going to leave some stuff out. Yesterday I was struggling with my self-worth. Throughout my childhood that was something as familiar to me as the color of the sky; feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt and fear seemed to consume my adolescent mind. Now that I know better and have a better understanding of myself, feeling unworthy and having a lower resonance is not a place where I like to stay for very long. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel, but after a bit I surround myself with people who validate my feelings and help me see the bigger picture. My mom is usually one of my first outlets of stress since she and I are so similar in thought patterns; it's as though she is my emotionally disconnected twin that helps me see myself again through loving and forgiving eyes. If my mother is ocupado, I tend to seek out one of my other close friends that know me and can give me healthy, non-codependent advice. I can't even imagine my life without these people whom I trust so much. Anyway, going back to yesterday, I was sitting in sacrament meeting with my roommate and my friend, James, almost on the verge of tears. I allowed myself to think these horrible thoughts of myself and I was comparing myself to others. Thoughts like "I am super taboo" and "what's wrong with me" kept entering my mind. I went to my old house to have a good cry and a deep conversation with my mom, of course she tells me that I am totally fine and healthy; she was able to pull me back to reality. I tend to blow things out of proportion and worry myself over things or problems that are not even problematic. She left for a brief time to go visiting teaching and I had a spiritual confirmation of a source of the problem that I could not stop thinking about. Normally I would explain in greater depth what is going on but I can't do that here. As soon as I had this revelatory thought, I felt immediate peace. I stopped having these negative thoughts which in turn stopped the feelings of self-doubt and degradation. Sorry, I can't be completely honest here about what exactly is going on.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my actual roommate and I have been connecting really well on a deeper level. I never thought we would since she is very shy and quiet but I have gotten her to open up to me. She is seriously so funny to me, not that she is super witty or anything but she is just naturally funny. For instance, she has been going to bed at 8:30 lately since she has to wake up really early for work. Last Thursday, I got out of the shower around 9:15 and Lara shoots up in bed saying "what time is it?!" I was doing everything that I could to not laugh and I said  "9:15." She gets this really confused look on her face and doesn't say anything for a short period of time. By that time I was starting to squeak and she said "I am so confused, it feels like I have already slept the whole night." I was laughing hysterically as I ran out of the room to tell Ashley what just happened. Ashley and I were laughing in the living room and we could hear Lara laughing back in her room. I was dying. But the funniest part of that story is that Lara has no memory of that whole conversation, apparently she was sleep talking/laughing the whole time. She seriously cracks me up like an egg. Holy cabooses,  I don't think I could have asked for a better roommate.

Today was the topper in Spanish class. I don't know if I have laughed harder in that class before. My new friend, who feels like I have known for longer than a month, can bring out the funniest side of me. Seriously I don't know that many people that can bring out this goofy side of me. Like I said earlier, we are constantly quoting Nacho Libre along with Zoolander, Dan in Real Life and Hot Rod. I'm pretty sure we are on the verge of getting kicked out of that class because my laugh is so loud as it is and I don't even know what Hermano Nelson is saying anymore. I am practically asian in that class because my eyes are constantly watering. This kid, who reminds me of all the things that I don't like about my Dad, sits in the front of the class and is constantly verbalizing his thoughts. He also thinks he is super funny so every time he says a joke he looks around the room to see if anybody else is laughing with him. Very few people usually do because his jokes aren't even funny. Plus he just got back from his mission to Brazil so he is always talking to the professor in Portuguese which inevitably confuses the class. Yeah you could say that he rubs me the wrong way. Loreli and I are constantly making fun of him and we are planning on bringing pea shooters and blow darts to class next time for this hooligan. He can't even go ten seconds without saying something. Anyway, during potty break Loreli and I were pulling some signature Nacho Libre moves on our way to the throne and I could not stop laughing for the rest of the class period. There are only two things that I like about spanish: Loreli and Nacho Libre. I would probably be so quiet in that class without her.

Sorry for the super long post, actually I'm not that sorry. Have an awesome week!

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