Throughout the weeks I have moments where I think of what I would like to write for this week's dialogue. My stream of thoughts always seem so elaborate and deep whenever I'm at work or walking back to my apartment, but sitting here with all of the necessary tools to making this happen I feel like a milk dud. All of the previous thoughts seem insignificant and unimportant as to what I want to write right now. So what do I want to write about? My developed philosophies. I have always believed in the power of awareness but I guess I wasn't fully aware of it's influence till now (I know that sounds funny but just go with me on this). It seems like in the past whenever I wanted something so desperately, I would eventually realize I had it all along as time passed. For instance when I was younger I was categorized as having a super amiable personality before I found myself. I wished so badly that I was an energetic, fun-loving, party-animal type of person. The truth was that I innately was. I was just hiding myself with layers of fear and self-loathing, I was not comfortable with my authentic self. Another example is that I used to be so afraid of getting fat when I was a sophomore in high school that I was constantly consumed by my self-obsession. The truth was that I was not aware of myself and my negative mind exaggerated my body image. My Mom would constantly tell me that I was a stick, but I would never believe her. Looking back on on those pictures of my sophomore year, I really was a stick. I just wasn't okay with myself yet and I hadn't learned to love myself. Now, I may not be as skinny as I used to be, I see myself through loving eyes and I don't feel bad about myself anymore. My philosophy on self awareness is propelled by one of my all time favorite quotes by Bob Proctor: "Everything you are is seeking you. Therefore, everything you want is already yours, you don't have to get anything. It is simply a matter of becoming more aware of what you already possess." Reading this quote for the first time completely change the way that I saw the world. I can have anything that I want. I can't necessarily get specific people I want because everyone has their agency and their own divine path. But I can have the life that I want to live. What a beautiful concept that everything we want is something within our grasp, we just need to become more aware. I love that.
One of the lessons that I learned this week: making choices that enable me to feel the spirit constantly brings joy and self-fulfillment. I have been focusing on that this week and in all honestly I have never been happier. Some events that have occurred these last couple of weeks would have definitely compelled me to feel sad and depressed even a few months back. However, my reaction to these conflicting events was much different than feeling sorry for myself, I felt an immense amount of joy and liberation. I could not even believe myself, even my friends thought I was in the middle of some hysteria. But to be absolutely real and frank, I have never been more emotionally healthy in my life. Even my mom makes comments that I am so emotionally healthy. For a long time, basically my whole life, I was emotionally dysfunctional and completely unhappy. Now, I am happily living independently without any codependent relationships. I'm not doing things because other people want to do them, I only do things that I authentically want to do. I don't affiliate myself with uncomfortable people and I am living my life for myself. It's incredible. All of the pain, all of the tears that I have shed for the sake of dysfunction has been paid off. If I could do it all again just to feel what I have been feeling this week, I would do it.