Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Curve ball

I know that I just blogged a couple of days ago, but I need to turn on the faucet of my heart. Up until last night I was doing fine. My life seemed like it was in order and I was incandescently happy; I unconditionally loved myself and I felt whole. Then there was a curve ball. A simple, penetrating reminder that I'm not as whole as I thought I was. I'm hesitant to write about the issue at hand because of who might read this, but are we not all human? I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I will give a brief summary. I haven't talked to my Dad since my high school graduation. Before graduation I was doing fine with my relationship with my Dad, I was finally able to accept him and give him space to be himself. I invited him to come to my graduation lunch with the rest of my family, little did I know that would not be very fun. I wanted to go to PF Changs for my graduation lunch, but my Dad hates Chinese food. Long story short, we ended up going to a restaurant that he wanted to go to. At first I was fine with this, but the lunch was awful. I don't know what got into me but I was angry. My Dad was talking the whole time about matters that I judged to be trivial. I judged him harshly and I know that he could feel my negative vibes. I'm the type of person that likes my space, I don't like to be talking with people all the time. I sometimes forget that some people are uncomfortable with sitting in silence, but in all honesty I don't mind it at all. I actually prefer it. My Dad does not understand that, he hardly knows me. I felt like he was pushing me into a corner, asking me questions when I was in the middle of eating. That is definitely one of my pet peeves. Anyway, after that I didn't want to have lunch with him for a long time. I also started school and got a job so my life had gotten pretty busy. During this semester I kind of forgot about him. I know that may sound horrible but I didn't give myself a whole lot of time to think about him. Spending time with my Dad is not something that I enjoy, so therefore, he's not one of my priorities. Last night I received an eight page letter from him and I haven't even started to read it. I don't want to. At first when I saw it I started to laugh, mocking at how desperate he is to connect with me. Then there was this twang. This reopening of old wounds that had been closed off by ignorance. Whoever said that ignorance is bliss knows what they are talking about; I had never been happier in my life. As my mom and I were driving in the car, all of my old perceptions of my Dad returned. It's kind of like I have two sides of me: the side that everyone knows and loves and then the other side that haunts and despairs my good side. I had my Mom read the letter first and she told me that it was basically him apologizing for not always being there for me as a kid. He felt that he had connected more with Jared than he did with me, which is true. I always felt like I was being compared to my super intellectual older brother that had a lot in common with my Dad. I wished so badly that I could connect with my Dad. But I'm so different. I'm the entertainer in my family, the one who is always making everyone laugh; no one in my family is like me. Even though my Mom and I are similar in thought patterns, we don't share passions of literature, writing, dance and performing. But how can I connect with my Dad when he doesn't even validate my own perspective on life and human nature? Why do I have to be the one to facilitate this healthier connection? I know that may be my own false perception of him, but this is how I feel.

I think right now I just want to be completely okay with myself, my Dad and my life. Every once in awhile I need to allow myself time to break down and fall apart. Only then do I realize what I need to focus on, but for right now I'm going to let myself be where I am until I know what to do. My life has been good but these times are needed for my own personal progression. It's human to have times of despair, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me. I know better. Do not pity me, instead, validate my feelings even though they are not the best feelings.

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